Random stuffs

I can't believe that the last time i posted was in August, and that was when school started. So I have 3 life commitments now, work, study, and relationship. it is definitely ain't easy to handle. what happened with my social life >_<, non existent.

I just finished my final exam last week. 3 papers in a week, it was horrendous. I had an exam on tues afternoon, followed by another on weds morning. I ended up not sleeping at all. Thank goodness it's all over, at least for now.

So, what's the big news in sg? It's regarding 377A, an archaic law that says it's illegal for guys to have oral and anal sex with another guy. There have been debates, arguments thrown around whether to retain or repeal. Well, obviously the outcome is to retain the freakin' law, what can you expect from Singapore government. The government states that 377A will be retained but shall not be enforced. duhh... if it's not going to be enforced, why the hell do they retain it then....
the conservative "christian" is trumpeting victory over it. I have so many things to say bout this, but I wanna keep this posting short.

- it's down right hypocrisy (the act of condemning another person for an act of which the critic is guilty). the government allows the same sexual conduct to be legal for heterosexual. those people are mental, oral and anal sex are decent for hetero, but indecent for homo. one of the NMP (Nominated Member of Parliament) was equating anal sex with poking a straw into the nose..... duhh..... and she graduated from Harvard law school. I'm lost..
So why is it legal for hetero? cos they are doing it, as simple as that

-In theory, the government must protect each citizen equally, unbiased and it should be reflected on the law. But sadly, throughout the history of mankind, it has never been the case. Why should the "moral" values of the majority be taken as the absolute truth, when it's not. That's probably why there were laws in USA legalising slavery, banning inter-racial marriages, in Africa, apartheid, in m'sia, bumiputera policy. Humans are capable of horrible things....

-Then we have religions coming into the picture. I was a christian, and i emphasize on the past tense. Do I believe in god? yes, perhaps. Do I believe in the institutions claiming they are speaking on behalf of god? absolute no. Is this really what you call love? hate the sin but not the sinner. but is it really a sin? Remember when the church jailed Galileo for stating the world is round because it contradicts the popular belief held by the church that the earth was flat? How bout the ban of condoms by the church.... That's what I call archaic.
It's fine if they want to impose such rules in their community (this would be another debate) but they should not impose their moral standards to others. Arrogance

-Homosexual is not a mental problem. the world's community of psychologist has agreed on that. the debate has been raging regarding the cause of homosexuality, between nature versus nurture. Certain studies have shown that it's in the genetics, and such trend has been seen on other species as well. How many ex-gay are there? does it really work? doubtful.

Singapore still has a long way to go to come out from their shell.

gotta go back to work. cheers.

I'm back

I don't know what's the meaning of bangkok in thai, but for a layman like me, it sounds sooo gay >_< (or maybe i'm just perverted ^_^)

anyways, I got back on weds, the first week of August, but I didn't hv time to post anything. Work has been overwhelming, and on top of that, school has already started. it's just crazy, well bangkok and pattaya was great and it has quite a liberal gay scene. The old caucasians are stealing all the spotlight >_<

am just gonna post "Anthem" by Alfian Sa'at (he's an excellent writer)

One day we will learn to love ourselves.
The fat ones will stop dreaming of chubchasers,
Those fauns who hangs from love-handles.
The skinny ones will dare to wear tight tops.
The old ones will stop claiming they look
At least five years younger , over telephones.
The young ones will walk into pubs and
Not feel the need to be needy.
We will learn that muscles are like doorknobs,
That hint nothing about the empty rooms,
But only of hydraulics.
Just because a body has been pierced,
Tanned, or landscaped with tough flesh,
Does not make it an armour.
Just because a body has not been touched,
Does not mean it is eager for lessons

near my breakdown point

Is suicidal tendency genetically inherited? Or is it something normal for a person to experience.
I have such inclination towards suicide since I was in secondary. Secondary was chaotic, I would the stereotype geek that gets bullied easily. At that point in time, everything seemed to have gone wrong, broken family, financial crisis, racial riots. I tend to prefer the easy way out, which is death. But why am I still alive? no chance probably. Is it a sign of depression and stress.

This suicidal thought persists even until today, it would come every now and then. It is so tempting to just jump from tall buildings or onto the train's track and end life. But I choose not to.

Been having problems at work, unreasonable demands from my supervisor, spoiled equipments, conferences. They keep piling up and most of the time, things are out of my control. For conference, typically, one would come out with an idea, and conduct the experiments then write a paper, but that doesn't work that way under my supervisor. If you have an idea, then you have to submit an abstract for a conference, eventhough you are uncertain whether it might work. If it's accepted, then you start doing experiments and pray that everything will go smoothly, which doesn't happen most of the time. At the end of the day, you have to use any available data and tweak it here and there. I am doing it now.... No credibility and professionalism.

I don't really enjoy my job, the only reason why I'm still staying is because I'm considered as the key person of this project that I'm doing. They would not have enough time to recruit someone new and finish the project on time. So, eventhough I may not like it, I have to persevere and complete the job.

It confuses me, Do I like the job but not the supervisor, or the other way around, or perhaps I don't like both. things are quite obscure at the moment, but one thing for sure, I dislike my supervisor.

back to the original question, Is suicidal tendency genetically inherited?

lao ban is back

I have got tons of work to do now. My boss was away for two weeks, and that was the period when one can feel liberated, at least for a short while^^. He's quite remarkable, his flight from Paris arrived in the morning, and he was in the office in the afternoon. Doesn't he feel tired? A good way to shorten one's life span I might say. I am rushing for next week's conference ><, am gonna die.... again.....RIP

disappointed

I don't know whether it is disappointment or annoyance. no holds barred.

my xiao di, apparently is visiting sg with his friends. He texted me asking where is "Happy" and how to go there yesterday. well, the club "Happy" has been replaced by "Play". and today, he asked where he can get some sort of mr men tee. it's sold by newurbanmale shop.

Eventually I asked whether he has any plan of meeting me since he's in town, the reply was "sorry da ge, we hv been rushing from one place to another, I don't even hv time to rest><, and I look like crap now" === I have no plan in meeting u. That just ticks me off, cos I've known him for years. So that's how things have turned out to be. I don't know, is it justifiable to expect him to at least ask to have a short meet up, over a cup of tea maybe. if he came with his family I'd understand, but no, he came with his queer friends. Nvm, I just need to cool my head and don't bother. ignorance is a bliss, some might say.

He then sms-ed me asking where I am. I wanted to reply, "don't bother" but chose not to reply at all. Just got a call from whether i wanna go to "Play". I guess he had some idea that I'm disappointed since I didn't reply any of his sms. The anwer is no. He wouldn't have asked me out if I didn't mention anything bout meeting up. hmm... am acting rather childish now...

Another incident, I hate it when a friend that u seldom talk to suddenly calls u with some alterior motives, and it happened today. There's this one guy whom I don't really get along with. They way he behaves is as if he's trying to prove that he's better than me, maybe he thinks i'm aloof. when I was in my home country, I got into the best engineering univ, and he couldn't get it and had to settled for the second best. Then, both of us entered the same univ in Singapore. I joined the debating team, and since then everytime we met, he would try to directly or indirectly challenge me to a debate, which I couldn't be bothered to respond. Afterwards, I got a position as a main committee for club, and he, as a member, would tend to disagree with me. Obviously I didn't get his vote during the election.
And now.... after soo long, he gave me a call. I was really surprised , my initial thought was "Is he going to say happy bday". I'm to foolish to even have such a thought. He told me that he's working in Prudential. He didn't hv to say anything else to hv me figured that he wanted to sell insurance!!!! the things that one would do....

nothing special bout my bday, I prefer to be ignorant, not many people remember. Kinda expected it, so it doesn't really affect me. My bf sent me a pair of sunglasses from UK :) It looks cool, too bad I can't wear it since I'm short sighted, unless I wear contacts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

yup, happy birthday to me :)

Gonna be a year older

Time really flies, just within two weeks time, I will be 18 ( +6). I am freaking old.
So, what do I want for my Bday present..... I want N95!!! it's really cool, and really expensive, unfortunately :(

I think I'm experiencing quarter life crisis (if there is such a situation^^). What do I want to do with my life, what job am I going to do in the future, What have I accomplished and what have I not? I'm not exactly young anymore, therefore I don't have the luxury to take my time and ponder.

I am gonna take master degree starting in August, but what's after that? Should I continue doing research, or jump to biz, maybe stock trading.. So far the only motivation I have is the money. Having experienced a period of time when I didn't have enough money, I do not wanna go back there again. Well, it doesn't mean that I have become freaking stingy, full of calculation and materialistic. No, it makes me more prudent, and appreciative of what I have. At least I know how hard life can be, and a good lesson it is. Some spoiled kids would not understand it, because all they have to do is ask from their parents "ask and you will be given"

anyways, how am I gonna do spend my bday this year? my bf is in UK for 3 months :( And I don't exactly have that many friends, as I've mentioned in the last posting. Well, I will definitely not spend it sulking like last year, feeling abandoned. just be happy go lucky, go with the flow, and not be overly sensitive.

cheers.

PS, I still want my N95 :P

Friends

I feel that I am really lacking in the interpersonal relationship skills, or you can say the HR department. I'm not a people person.

I don't think I have a best friend, my boyfriend is my best friend. I've tried to become a good friend, to listen and to help, but it doesn't really work. it makes me believe that friends do come and go, that they won't always be there for you. I have come to realise that for now, I can only rely on myself, and maybe my boyfriend. I'm a loner, I wish not, but I am.

all sorts

let's start with the things I wanted to write since months ago. I guess I'll make it a short one.

To help or not TO HELP
I guess we need to be careful in deciding whether we should help someone. On one side, constant help will only make the recepient complacent, reliant. On the other hand, we shouldn't assume that by not helping, we are actually training the person to be independent, be a better person. To illustrate my point, I remember having a discussion during my secondary days, the topic was about prostitutes. most of my friends condemned, because prostitution is morally wrong. the argument was that it's an immoral act and they can do other things to get money. The real question is "Can they do other things?" life is not about when you want a job, then the job would be there for you. Sometimes, the condition doesn't allow you. It's so easy for us to judge, because we are more fortunate, experience is a great teacher. we should remove the idealistic thinking that however things go, there's always a way out. Maybe you can try telling that to millions of african people who die of hunger.

next topic, accepting me for who I am.
What I've noticed from quite a number of profiles and relationships "advertisement" is that they would put this sentence "I want someone who can accept me for who I am". Just a retrospect, what those people are doing is that you want people to accept you unconditionaly, but you have created conditions and requirements towards other people. simply put, people who can accept me, please apply, and I will do the sorting. It's rather one sided, don't you think?

alot of things to write

man, I have alot of things to write but don't really have the time. Let me put a reminder on the topics I wanna write:

to help or not to help
love me as who I am, bull crap

that's all for now, ciao