Is suicidal tendency genetically inherited? Or is it something normal for a person to experience.
I have such inclination towards suicide since I was in secondary. Secondary was chaotic, I would the stereotype geek that gets bullied easily. At that point in time, everything seemed to have gone wrong, broken family, financial crisis, racial riots. I tend to prefer the easy way out, which is death. But why am I still alive? no chance probably. Is it a sign of depression and stress.
This suicidal thought persists even until today, it would come every now and then. It is so tempting to just jump from tall buildings or onto the train's track and end life. But I choose not to.
Been having problems at work, unreasonable demands from my supervisor, spoiled equipments, conferences. They keep piling up and most of the time, things are out of my control. For conference, typically, one would come out with an idea, and conduct the experiments then write a paper, but that doesn't work that way under my supervisor. If you have an idea, then you have to submit an abstract for a conference, eventhough you are uncertain whether it might work. If it's accepted, then you start doing experiments and pray that everything will go smoothly, which doesn't happen most of the time. At the end of the day, you have to use any available data and tweak it here and there. I am doing it now.... No credibility and professionalism.
I don't really enjoy my job, the only reason why I'm still staying is because I'm considered as the key person of this project that I'm doing. They would not have enough time to recruit someone new and finish the project on time. So, eventhough I may not like it, I have to persevere and complete the job.
It confuses me, Do I like the job but not the supervisor, or the other way around, or perhaps I don't like both. things are quite obscure at the moment, but one thing for sure, I dislike my supervisor.
back to the original question, Is suicidal tendency genetically inherited?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
lao ban is back
I have got tons of work to do now. My boss was away for two weeks, and that was the period when one can feel liberated, at least for a short while^^. He's quite remarkable, his flight from Paris arrived in the morning, and he was in the office in the afternoon. Doesn't he feel tired? A good way to shorten one's life span I might say. I am rushing for next week's conference ><, am gonna die.... again.....RIP
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
disappointed
I don't know whether it is disappointment or annoyance. no holds barred.
my xiao di, apparently is visiting sg with his friends. He texted me asking where is "Happy" and how to go there yesterday. well, the club "Happy" has been replaced by "Play". and today, he asked where he can get some sort of mr men tee. it's sold by newurbanmale shop.
Eventually I asked whether he has any plan of meeting me since he's in town, the reply was "sorry da ge, we hv been rushing from one place to another, I don't even hv time to rest><, and I look like crap now" === I have no plan in meeting u. That just ticks me off, cos I've known him for years. So that's how things have turned out to be. I don't know, is it justifiable to expect him to at least ask to have a short meet up, over a cup of tea maybe. if he came with his family I'd understand, but no, he came with his queer friends. Nvm, I just need to cool my head and don't bother. ignorance is a bliss, some might say.
He then sms-ed me asking where I am. I wanted to reply, "don't bother" but chose not to reply at all. Just got a call from whether i wanna go to "Play". I guess he had some idea that I'm disappointed since I didn't reply any of his sms. The anwer is no. He wouldn't have asked me out if I didn't mention anything bout meeting up. hmm... am acting rather childish now...
Another incident, I hate it when a friend that u seldom talk to suddenly calls u with some alterior motives, and it happened today. There's this one guy whom I don't really get along with. They way he behaves is as if he's trying to prove that he's better than me, maybe he thinks i'm aloof. when I was in my home country, I got into the best engineering univ, and he couldn't get it and had to settled for the second best. Then, both of us entered the same univ in Singapore. I joined the debating team, and since then everytime we met, he would try to directly or indirectly challenge me to a debate, which I couldn't be bothered to respond. Afterwards, I got a position as a main committee for club, and he, as a member, would tend to disagree with me. Obviously I didn't get his vote during the election.
And now.... after soo long, he gave me a call. I was really surprised , my initial thought was "Is he going to say happy bday". I'm to foolish to even have such a thought. He told me that he's working in Prudential. He didn't hv to say anything else to hv me figured that he wanted to sell insurance!!!! the things that one would do....
nothing special bout my bday, I prefer to be ignorant, not many people remember. Kinda expected it, so it doesn't really affect me. My bf sent me a pair of sunglasses from UK :) It looks cool, too bad I can't wear it since I'm short sighted, unless I wear contacts.
my xiao di, apparently is visiting sg with his friends. He texted me asking where is "Happy" and how to go there yesterday. well, the club "Happy" has been replaced by "Play". and today, he asked where he can get some sort of mr men tee. it's sold by newurbanmale shop.
Eventually I asked whether he has any plan of meeting me since he's in town, the reply was "sorry da ge, we hv been rushing from one place to another, I don't even hv time to rest><, and I look like crap now" === I have no plan in meeting u. That just ticks me off, cos I've known him for years. So that's how things have turned out to be. I don't know, is it justifiable to expect him to at least ask to have a short meet up, over a cup of tea maybe. if he came with his family I'd understand, but no, he came with his queer friends. Nvm, I just need to cool my head and don't bother. ignorance is a bliss, some might say.
He then sms-ed me asking where I am. I wanted to reply, "don't bother" but chose not to reply at all. Just got a call from whether i wanna go to "Play". I guess he had some idea that I'm disappointed since I didn't reply any of his sms. The anwer is no. He wouldn't have asked me out if I didn't mention anything bout meeting up. hmm... am acting rather childish now...
Another incident, I hate it when a friend that u seldom talk to suddenly calls u with some alterior motives, and it happened today. There's this one guy whom I don't really get along with. They way he behaves is as if he's trying to prove that he's better than me, maybe he thinks i'm aloof. when I was in my home country, I got into the best engineering univ, and he couldn't get it and had to settled for the second best. Then, both of us entered the same univ in Singapore. I joined the debating team, and since then everytime we met, he would try to directly or indirectly challenge me to a debate, which I couldn't be bothered to respond. Afterwards, I got a position as a main committee for club, and he, as a member, would tend to disagree with me. Obviously I didn't get his vote during the election.
And now.... after soo long, he gave me a call. I was really surprised , my initial thought was "Is he going to say happy bday". I'm to foolish to even have such a thought. He told me that he's working in Prudential. He didn't hv to say anything else to hv me figured that he wanted to sell insurance!!!! the things that one would do....
nothing special bout my bday, I prefer to be ignorant, not many people remember. Kinda expected it, so it doesn't really affect me. My bf sent me a pair of sunglasses from UK :) It looks cool, too bad I can't wear it since I'm short sighted, unless I wear contacts.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Gonna be a year older
Time really flies, just within two weeks time, I will be 18 ( +6). I am freaking old.
So, what do I want for my Bday present..... I want N95!!! it's really cool, and really expensive, unfortunately :(
I think I'm experiencing quarter life crisis (if there is such a situation^^). What do I want to do with my life, what job am I going to do in the future, What have I accomplished and what have I not? I'm not exactly young anymore, therefore I don't have the luxury to take my time and ponder.
I am gonna take master degree starting in August, but what's after that? Should I continue doing research, or jump to biz, maybe stock trading.. So far the only motivation I have is the money. Having experienced a period of time when I didn't have enough money, I do not wanna go back there again. Well, it doesn't mean that I have become freaking stingy, full of calculation and materialistic. No, it makes me more prudent, and appreciative of what I have. At least I know how hard life can be, and a good lesson it is. Some spoiled kids would not understand it, because all they have to do is ask from their parents "ask and you will be given"
anyways, how am I gonna do spend my bday this year? my bf is in UK for 3 months :( And I don't exactly have that many friends, as I've mentioned in the last posting. Well, I will definitely not spend it sulking like last year, feeling abandoned. just be happy go lucky, go with the flow, and not be overly sensitive.
cheers.
PS, I still want my N95 :P
So, what do I want for my Bday present..... I want N95!!! it's really cool, and really expensive, unfortunately :(
I think I'm experiencing quarter life crisis (if there is such a situation^^). What do I want to do with my life, what job am I going to do in the future, What have I accomplished and what have I not? I'm not exactly young anymore, therefore I don't have the luxury to take my time and ponder.
I am gonna take master degree starting in August, but what's after that? Should I continue doing research, or jump to biz, maybe stock trading.. So far the only motivation I have is the money. Having experienced a period of time when I didn't have enough money, I do not wanna go back there again. Well, it doesn't mean that I have become freaking stingy, full of calculation and materialistic. No, it makes me more prudent, and appreciative of what I have. At least I know how hard life can be, and a good lesson it is. Some spoiled kids would not understand it, because all they have to do is ask from their parents "ask and you will be given"
anyways, how am I gonna do spend my bday this year? my bf is in UK for 3 months :( And I don't exactly have that many friends, as I've mentioned in the last posting. Well, I will definitely not spend it sulking like last year, feeling abandoned. just be happy go lucky, go with the flow, and not be overly sensitive.
cheers.
PS, I still want my N95 :P
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